Kostyblog

Sharp-dressed dad

2012-02-26T22:10:00.001-08:00

Snuggle

2012-02-25T21:45:00.001-08:00

Raiding Dev's photos

2012-02-23T22:04:00.001-08:00

I love finding treasures on his phone.

Rink Rat

2012-02-23T21:52:00.001-08:00

Amelia and Dev headed to our local skating rink last week. Looks like they had a pretty gooood time.

Moustache

2012-02-23T21:48:00.000-08:00

It will never be the same

2012-02-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

My body is changing in a way that I feel I finally have a say...of course I could have exercised more before, I just hated it. Hated the repetitive squats, the sprints, the weights, the bad music, the crunches.

Dev and I had family photos taken when Amelia was four months old. In that shoot, I asked Steph to take a picture of my post-baby belly. I was trying so hard to find a way to see my birth-battered body in a positive light. At the time, I thought I looked horrible. My stomach felt huge, wide, potted. Everything was different and has continued to change over the last two and a bit years. D cup to B cup, maternity pants to skinny pants to fat pants to regular pants. Red, angry stretch marks to faded marks whose evidence is really only the tautness of my skin...or lack thereof...Mom and babe yoga and daily walks, boot-camp and African dance to back-to-the-office widening ass to Bikram where I finally feel strong again.

I took a look at that picture a couple of months ago, the one I asked Steph to take of me when I felt my worst, my least attractive and you know what? I looked super good! I just couldn't see it then - isn't that always the rub? Not realizing what you have when you have it. Appreciating self.

It is finally coming to reality that my body won't ever be the same. It is finally starting to be a reality that that might just be ok.

.

Silence

2012-02-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

I had my eighth class last Friday and it was awesome. In this short amount of time, my clothes are fitting differently, my mind is quieter overall and my body feels strong. I'm starting to be stronger in more sections of the asanas and push myself harder in class to build the balance and endurance I've been lacking for so long. I feel amazing. When I started going to classes at Bikram Yoga Cowichan Valley (I think of it as my home studio) I learned the foundation of etiquette in the classroom. I've started to go to a studio that's on my way home and it's been an interesting experience...I was really happy that the instruction, the words used to guide us through the asanas are exactly the same. The little verbal cues that I thought were instructor-specific are really Bikram-specific. That part has been awesome. It gives me confidence to practice elsewhere and get the same benefit and structure.

Then there are the differences between studios. I learned that the studio is a sacred space where your mind can be still and you do your best work. This means, as I was taught, that talking happens outside and only outside of the hot room. In the new studio, people whisper and chatter in the pre and post class time - a subtle and important difference. In my day to day I have to work to not talk, to listen, to be still. I like to have input. The silent studio has given me permission to have 90 minutes where all I do is concentrate, move through the asanas and do the work. The expectation of silence in my home studio is a relief, contributing to my mental silence. I look forward to my weekend classes there. I look forward to my own silence.

So, how's it going now?

2012-02-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

Amelia is in love. She loves the kids, Miss Birdie, the whole deal. She asks to go to school on the weekends and Dev and I have been able to squeeze every last second out of the day to make her hours at school a little shorter. She has adjusted so well and, finally, so have I. The new-kids germs are still kicking our asses, and we've had a wonderful three week reprieve from Amelia being sick only to have both Dev and me come down with continual colds - and I'll still take that over a sick toddler any day.

The workings of a toddler's mind

2012-02-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Amelia's trains of thought at the end of a car ride...

Nature walk with Auntie Shannon

2012-02-19T21:06:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Shannon for taking an all-too-rare shot of Amelia and me together today. Good hunting of waterfalls and ponds today.

Thanks Elmo...

2012-02-19T19:06:00.001-08:00

When Elmo's game is on I am sometimes permitted some hair time.

All aboard!

2012-02-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

Best $7 ever spent on a ferry ride.

More Valentine love

2012-02-14T21:04:00.001-08:00

A gluten-free cake, just for mom (that's me!)

Sent from my HTC

Happy Valentine

2012-02-14T08:50:00.001-08:00

Bikram: three, four, five...

2012-02-12T20:51:00.001-08:00

My third class...

Started with a delicious and hearty lunch with Leah a couple of hours before class...yep, my class started before class. I was determined to have a better experience than my second attempt and a beautiful lunch, Baby Callie snuggles and hydration were all part of it.

I set my intention at the beginning of class. Just stay in the room. Everything else is a bonus...then I had the best class ever. I was calm, focused and open. I remember thinking it must be ten degrees cooler than my last class...nope, same temperature...different Steph.
I finished class and practically danced out of there.

Class four: finally starting to figure out the breathing...got the second set of Camel...oh god I was scared and then I just reached out for my right heel and found it...the rest came.

Class five: Tried a very shakey and funky toe stand. Camel x 2!!!

Class six: Toe stand! Stuck it for maybe two full seconds. Best feeling. Camel again!

Something happens in these classes. I can see myself in the mirror, I can feel myself doing the movements and it is intense. It is ninety minutes that my mind is quiet. No more pointy thoughts. Just quiet, focused energy.

Bikram haters, do your research...try a class or six...

Best weekend outfit

2012-02-11T09:54:00.001-08:00

Bikram: two

2012-02-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

You may be thinking...two? What about Satan making hot yoga and all that???

Well...I hailed Satan before I had the very best sleep in two years and felt amazing the next day. I was perplexed. How could I hate something so much and have it make me feel SO good. No soreness, no stiffness, just stretched out, good...maybe even taller? Certainly better looking.

So, I thought, go again. See what happens.

I got there on time and was a little nervous...parked and was walking toward the studio when I heard a strange noise...a giant-truck bumper was gently resting on the hood of my car...eff.

Excuse me! I call out to the man hopping out of said giant truck, You are on my car!...shuffle, shuffle, vroom, vroom...bumper removed, hood fine...back to the business of getting to class.

I learned from my first class that you need to pre-place your mat if you want a good spot in the room...so...there I go, placing my mat. Miss Birdie is also on this class so we get to hang out a bit which is great....and also ramps up my internal pressure to achieve...

I'm laying beside Miss Birdie, the room seems much hotter this time and my mind is a jumbled mess of pointy thoughts...like a junk drawer full of splayed-open scissors...I think I'm doing ok and then I notice that truck-on-car guy is in this class...then a woman comes in smelling of roasted garlic and places her mat WAY too close to mine - ruffling my hair with her garlicky self. I am hot, thirsty, nervous, I am smelling someone's dinner and I am officially rattled.

Class starts and I cannot focus. My breathing is all over the show, I can barely finish any of the postures. I am getting impatient with myself - why can't I hold these poses like I did in the first class?? What is wrong with me????? WHY AM I SO FUCKING HOT RIGHT NOW???

I am sweating buckets, I am wondering if Miss Birdie is watching me flail. I am beet red and hating this class...it has only been 40 minutes. Then, I run out of water. This is a hot yoga cardinal sin. Remember the guidelines from Bikram: one? I cannot leave the room. I'm screwed.

I can do the floor poses much more easily and as we move through the postures I start to notice that even the strongest people in the class are taking breaks. The instructor starts opening the door to let cool air in during savasana...I have never tasted cool air before that night. It was incredible.

The room started to cool...I started to calm down, trying to quiet my mind. I straight-up limped my way through that class. And then, just like the first...it was over.

I was so disappointed in myself. My lack of discipline, stamina, fitness and most of all, disappointed in myself for letting it all get to me.

I sat in my car after class, drank from my newly-filled water jug, ate an orange and cried. Yep, I cried. Big, fat tears...and then I drove home...the tears cleaned out my ego, my perceived shortcomings...

I could hear my therapist ask me, as she will when I am being particularly hard on myself, Would you speak to your best friend that way?...

I drove and I focused on what I DID accomplish.

I showed up
I completed half of my poses.
I sweat my ass off
I kept trying
and most importantly...
I stayed in the room.

I did.

Get cuter you guys.

2012-02-08T22:08:00.001-08:00

Seriously.

Evening cookie feast

2012-02-07T21:32:00.002-08:00

Sunday sunrise

2012-02-07T21:32:00.001-08:00

Bikram: one

2012-02-07T20:36:00.001-08:00

I've wanted to try hot yoga for years but I was scared. Scared of the sweat, the heat, the teeny tiny clothes...

I finally got up the nerve to try it last week...I cut off a pair of yoga pants to about mid-thigh, put on a sports bra and after fretting and checking the schedule 50 times, I went.

I was happy to find out the studio smelled fairly good, didn't have carpet and was pleasingly warm. I rolled out my mat, my towel and relaxed, waited for the class to begin. More and more people filled the space and when the instructor turned on the lights we were packed in there like sardines.

There are three requests in the studio:

~Please remain silent (no talking, other noises are apparently ok...)
~Please drink only between poses, preferrably when the instructor says to, and
~Stay in the room for the full 90 minutes

I had done some research, watched a few videos, talked to a few friends...knew it would likely be weird...what I didn't expect was how hard it would be for me to work that hard, be that hot and not freak out.

I was sweating RIVERS within ten minutes. I rolled up my thigh length shorts to as small as they would possibly go - stretch marks, spare tire and general flabbyness be damned, I was too fucking hot to care.

30 minutes...doing ok
45 minutes...starting to get winded
60 minutes...glancing at the clock, wondering how the HELL I am going to make it through this class
61 minutes...our first Savasana.

My mind is racing...HOW am I going to make it through these poses? HOW am I going to send Amelia to school with her challenges of the week past? WHY AM I HERE. Tears joined the rivers of sweat.

I felt a little like I was cracking up.

At the end of the class the instructor congratulated the newbies in the class, telling is that we made it - we never have to do the first ninety minutes again...yeah...like NEVER AGAIN.

When I got home, all I could say to Dev was, "Satan made that class".

A walk with my ladies

2012-02-06T21:06:00.002-08:00

Hearts

2012-02-06T21:06:00.001-08:00

A really good day

2012-01-31T20:04:00.001-08:00

Miss Birdie sent these pictures to me today. A whole day without tears, working with friends - including Robin, without incident, and play.

Leave what doesn't serve you...

2012-01-31T09:10:00.001-08:00

So as most people understand, fears guide - or misguide - many decisions...

Have kids and be prepared to have fear kick it up a notch in your daily repertoire of emotions.

When Amelia started dayschool I realized just how young she really is. Her skyrocketing vocabulary, open and loving spirit, and enthusiasm notwithstanding, she looks really, really little with the four year olds in both skill and size. As I observed the kids interact I was taken aback at how brutal they can be to one another...and I noticed one little girl, I'll call her Robin, take a particular interest in Amelia. Amelia playing with a toy? Robin wants that toy immediately. Amelia wants to sit in a chair? Robin is there ready to jockey for that seat. And then there were the snippy comments toward Amelia and the body language...the glaring eyes, intimidaring postures, lording over Amelia. I sat back and watched, semi-horrified and semi-fascinated. And of course, who did Amelia want to be around more than anyone? Say it with me now, you all know what's coming...yep, Robin.

Amelia could hold her own so I didn't say anything to Miss Birdie, though I was dying to know if that kind of behaviour is normal, common, or even a concern...does social bullshit really start this early?

My, what a sheltered life I have led.

So I pushed my fears aside that my child was walking around with a big KICK ME sign and tried to get on with it. Of course, we all know those images never left my mind.

Then last week was super bumpy and emotional. Then Amelia says to Dev yesterday, "Robin doesn't like me and she hit my lip!"

Needle skips off record...

My two year old, who we have trained to be gentle and kind, to share and use good manners, ironically so she wouldn't hurt others, is getting hit in the face and told she isn't liked and now she's upset recalling how it all went down. My emotions almost knocked me out.

I wanted to pull her out of dayschool, to find a way to expel Robin, to yell and scream at whoever taught that little girl that words don't hurt...or whoever taught her that they do. Not to mention, trying to get facts from a two year old is seriously impossible. Did it really even happen???

And the thing that's so hard to admit is that if it was a kid that I didn't have that initial impression of, I would have felt much different. But it wasn't. It was the little girl that I had fears about. The universe apparently has decided that I am due for yet another fucking growth opportunity.

So, we sat down with Amelia. We told her that hitting is not OK, that if anyone hurts her, ever that she tell an adult right away. Practicality. Done.

We asked her about all the kids that she likes to spend time with. Reinforce positive experiences. Done.

I then went to my first hot yoga class (Satan made those classes and that's a whole other post) and went over all the ways I have failed my child. I have thrown her to the wolves. I have put her in a social situation that she isn't mature enough to navigate. I am extinguishing her spirit. I am a horrible parent. Tears rolled out of my eyes as the sweat poured off my body.

Fear. Fear is that bastard in my mind that makes me want to hide her from every Robin she could ever meet, from every opportunity to be hurt. Fear makes me second guess my decisions. Fear sometimes gets too much real estate in my mind.

The one saving grace is that my drive to do what is best for her can override fear. It reminds me that hiding her won't help her navigate her world. Only, skills, knowledge and experience will do that.

So instead of hiding, which is my way to cope with fear and conflict, I talked with Dev and Miss Birdie. I asked for guidance on how to help Amelia navigate challenging social sitiations. I listened.

We agreed that separating them is a bad idea and now that she knows how Amelia feels (regardless of what did or didn't happen) Miss Birdie can watch out for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or hurt faces and give them both opportunities to learn. She was able to reassure me that Robin is a sweet girl, who, at times may use her extraordinary vocabulary in a misguided way, also plays very well with Amelia and they spend positive time together. I hope that on my best day I can be a bit more like Miss Birdie.

So we start another week at school tomorrow. We go on. We ask for help. We move forward with courage. We show up and we try.

Heartache

2012-01-27T22:06:00.001-08:00

This week has been harder...Amelia is teary when I drop her off, when I am not home from work soon enough (thank goodness for headshots I printed so she could see me when I'm not there), when we are getting dressed in the morning...

She is starting to anticipate going to school and is not just crying when I go to leave, she's overall a bit messy.

My heart is breaking.

I was emailing a friend tonight and found myself tearing up as I described this week...

"...the worst part of my day has now become the moment that, as we are getting ready in the morning, her lower lip starts to tremble...she says to me, 'no you go to work today mama?' And these big, fat tears spill over onto her cheeks..."

Yep. Heartache.

At the beginning of the week I drive away from school wracked with guilt that I left too quickly once she was happy to go play...mid week I'm choking back tears on my commute because I left her crying in Miss Birdie's arms...by Friday I can barely make it to my car without breaking down, fumbling clumsily for my car keys, unable to see them in my purse through my tears. Then I bawl three quarters of the way to work managing to pull myself together for whatever early morning meeting or some such event where I should be a normal, functioning person.

On Thursday she stopped crying the moment I rounded the corner. Today was much the same...Miss Birdie distracted her with Playdoh that has glitter in it, SCORE!!!

I know she is ok when I go...she gets teary during the day, needing a snuggle from Miss Birdie and then can happily go play - recharged by reassurance.

How is it ok that I'm not the one there giving her that much needed snuggle?

I'm not sure I will ever know...or be satisfied with any of the many possible answers to that question. What I do know, is that this week, my heart ached for a certain little girl.

My best girl

2012-01-26T22:03:00.001-08:00

Snowy walk

2012-01-23T22:23:00.001-08:00

The snow is all but gone...though this walk was just four days ago...

Amelia + Dayschool = Love

2012-01-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

Day one.

Day two - I stayed for a bit longer in the morning and as I was getting ready to go, Amelia came over to give me a hug at my request and at the same time had the option to go play at the kitchen centre. She actually waved at me as she walked away from me, her hand trailing behind her in a half-wave, half-get lost swat...mama left choking back tears. Nanny picked her up and I waited at home, hopping on one foot then the other to see what she thought of the school. She loved it. She agreed that it is the perfect place for her and is so happy that her resignation opened up the door for Amelia to attend such a beautiful, loving environment...

Day three - I lingered in the morning, making my way to the foyer to watch her play with the other kids. She asked for a big hugga once or twice and was more than happy for me to leave so she could play...mama left choking back tears. Today was one of the little boy's first day and I got to witness the sadness and stress that little kids go through when they are being dropped off. This little guy, who's about four years old, was so distraught that I had to look away, trying not to start crying myself, as he sputtered and pointed and cried as his dad moved back into the foyer and started to leave. The most heartening piece was that it really did get better after dad left. He cried, he was comforted and given tissues and hugs and within five minutes was ready to build a volcano. Just. Like. That.

Day four - Here I am, loitering at dayschool again...she actually wanted a big hug a couple more times in the morning (yay!) and didn't bat an eye when I went to leave...mama left wiping away big, salty tears.

Are you picking up a theme here? The only people this has been hard on are me and Nanny. We have made this really cool transition from Nanny/employer to co-parents. She has helped us to raise Amelia for the last year and a half and since September has actually been with Amelia more than either Dev or I have. Now we are the ones working together to make sure Amelia thrives in this new space and guess what? Amelia is thriving at school. I know it's weird to call it school, but it's what Miss Birdie (her Nom de Kostyblog) calls it, she's serious about it so I'm honouring her work and dedication by using the Montessori vernacular. Amelia plays, works, helps, sings, dances, laughs and has the most amazing time. I'd like to think her experience so far has to do with the gentle transition that we worked together to create - at least that's the part I can credit myself with, so I will.

Miss Birdie is completely blown away by her vocabulary, her personality and her spirit. The guest caregiver who comes on Thursdays to teach music can't believe she can sing and follow along as well as she can for her age and then came the final piece of news that made my heart grow two more sizes. On Friday, after hours of playing in the snow and being at school she napped. Miss Birdie snuggled her, put her on her cot, rubbed her back and she slept for 45 minutes. Not in a stroller. Not in her car seat. Not at the breast. Not being rocked. In a new-ish location with different sounds, people and things she slept - for the first time in her life.

Sigh.

I'm behind

2012-01-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

This is my new refrain.

I'm behind.

Amelia started transitioning to dayschool, then of course, caught the obligatory new-germs cold, then made it to dayschool, then gave the germs to me...

Nine days of a sinus infection, a crazy snow storm that shut down most of the island for a couple of days, another dayschool cold a week after the first one and now I'm behind at work, behind at home...I'm just flat-out behind.

Those of you who knew that you don't get a fever with a sinus infection raise your hands. Hand up? Award yourself ten points. My doctor looked at me this week and said, "nine days???"...I figured that if it was something that antibiotics would help I'd have a fever...yeah, as it turns out, not so much. I finally broke down and went to see her when the idea of shooting myself in the face seemed nicer than the pain that was pounding through my head and got, guess what? Antibiotics! Thank you Alexander Fleming - you saved me from shooting my face off.

I fear that cold after cold after cold will now be my immune system's fate until Amelia leaves home.

And then it snowed...

2012-01-18T21:28:00.001-08:00

And snowed, and snowed...

Snowy

2012-01-17T22:06:00.001-08:00

Rushed home yesterday for fear of highway closures and abandoned child and snapped this shot of the lake on my way. I pulled away from these light flakes falling on the water to full flurries just a block away!

Cutie!

2012-01-17T22:03:00.001-08:00

Mama has a sinus infection, Amelia is getting over the second cold in three weeks...all still cute!

Cookie Monster's what?

2012-01-14T12:06:00.001-08:00

Amelia's language skills are growing every day and we try to teach her the correct names for things to help her learn...sounds good so far, right?

This morning she looked up at this picture and shouted at the top of her lungs...

"COOKIE MONSTER LABIA!"

So pretty

2012-01-11T22:07:00.001-08:00

Transitions

2012-01-09T15:59:00.001-08:00

We started daycare, "school" on Friday. Yep, I said, "we". Amelia and I went together and spent three hours baking, playing, singing, washing our hands, eating and walking in the woods with her new friends.

She did so well, after the first hour I was able to stand back, up and out of the way, but still close enough to make eye contact or give a big hugga. Almost all the kids are older and she already has a friend there, Elliott, our neighbor. I was so impressed at how gentle the other kids, especially the older boys were with her.

When it came time for our walk, we buddied up and headed down a forest trail nearby the school. When we reached a clearing, the kids were given the ok to run ahead and play in the leaves, logs and mud. Amelia took a few tentative steps and then looked back and asked, "mama?" It took all my strength to not pick her up in my arms, and instead to tell her, "you go ahead honey! You can play, I'll be here"

She ran into the fray and looked back with the biggest, brightest grin on her face. She was such a big girl. So excited to go play. I was not such a big girl, I managed to save my tears for a few minutes - until she was far enough away that she couldn't see - and I bawled. Bawled with relief that she is ok, that we finally, after so much anticipation, made it.

Undoubtedly there will be more tears shed from both of us during this transition...but on Friday, I was so relieved the tears were all mine.

And then...

2012-01-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

There are days that are less amazing...like when she climbs up on top of the humidifier and pees on it before I get to her, explaining that it "came fast mama!"...glamourous really.

Amazing Amelia

2012-01-05T21:40:00.001-08:00

It has been a long time since I took the time to capture Amelia's amazingness, so here goes...

She busted out "decorations" on the way home one night over Christmas and loves to say, "ingredients".

Can recite almost the whole alphabet and other times it goes, " H I J K MAEVA!"...

Sings her own songs and good portions of Twinkle, Twinkle, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Baby Beluga and Ring Around the Rosy...

Says, "Thank you" regularly and at unexpected times, like when I give her a kiss or a hug and always moves right over, pulling her leg tight, wherever she is sitting to tell us, "there's room for you".

She told Dev the other night that she was going to, "ask her pretty mom" if she could do what he just told her she couldn't...it didn't work but it was a damn good try!

She loves to, "look at picture train on mommy's phone" and when I come home with bags of anything she asks, "whatchu brought for me mommy?"

She told me to "suck it" the other day, and while she was being totally literal, wanting me to taste something, I nearly pissed myself laughing...she really, really is my daughter.

She is obsessed with Thomas the Train and trains in general whether they choo, choo or not. Her mind sometimes gets ahead of her mouth causing a stall. She will be mid-phrase and then her record skips a beat turning, "there's room for you" into, "theeeeeeeeee.... theeeeeere's......room for you mommy" I can almost hear the wheels turning on her head, piecing her thought together. I have to concentrate hard to not finish her sentences for her and just let her work it through or encourage her to start again.

We saw a man with a very white, fluffy beard the other day while we were out shopping and she made me stop and look...just quietly, holding hands. Later on that night we were telling Dev about the man with the white beard and a huge grin lit her face...we both knew it might have been Santa on his day off.

Her pre-second-birthday tantrums have subsided, her language skills finally relieving some of her frustrations.

She is magic. She is perfect. She is Amazing Amelia.

Cast on.

2012-01-01T22:42:00.001-08:00

I picked up needles and yarn tonight for the first time in three years. Amelia is sleeping fitfully with a cold that reared its ugly head first thing this morning. As I wait for her tiny squeaks to call me to her room I feed the yarn over the needles, the needles through the stitches.

Going through those familiar motions helps me to forget that Amelia will be too sick to join daycare this week, to forget about all that waits on my to-do list at work, to be present. My breathing slows, my mind's chatter stills and I am just here.

Off we go to The Oswego!

2011-12-31T22:42:00.001-08:00

Oh. My. God.
New Year's Eve eve marks the first time Dev and I have been away from home together in two years, two months, and nine days. All the people without kids just went, WHAAAAT???? Oh, believe it.
I remember so fondly, my naivete, my complete incomprehension of how having a child could change exactly everything in life...including how little time Dev and I would be able to carve out for each other. Things have started to shift and as Amelia sleeps more, Dev and I get more time in the evenings to just chill out but nothing compares to a night away. So when the stars aligned giving us the opportunity to get away we siezed it!
No laundry.
No dishes.
No diapers.
No driving.
Just dinner, drinks and more drinks (bardandbanker.com), shopping, talking, walking, Starbucks, laughing and hanging out (oswegovictoria.com), sleeping and more eating before heading home to our sweetie.
Ahhhh, a great way to wring out (ha!) 2011!

What are we doing New Year's eve?

2011-12-31T21:49:00.001-08:00

We rung it in early this year with Leah, Ryan, Charlotte and, as Amelia calls her, Tiny Baby Callie! So awesome to be with close friends with great food, tiny and medium-sized kids to snuggle and play with...then to be hanging out with Dev on the couch by 9:30. Oh yeah, we know how to party!!!

Enjoy the pics of Callie-happy one week sweetie!!!

What are you doing New Year's eve?

2011-12-31T14:00:00.000-08:00

One of the cutest duets ever. Enjoy!

2011

2011-12-31T00:19:00.000-08:00

What a year it's been. This is the year that I have titled, "adult". The stuff we've gone through this year just seems ever so adult. Raising a toddler, learning about myself, the death of my Grandma and Rufus, friends moving away and many other transitions leave me feeling like I've grown up. Maybe that's normal for my advanced age of 34, maybe this is what it's supposed to be like at 34 - more challenging than I can ever remember and that makes the victories ever so sweet.

The way Dev and I can connect because we've gotten better at communicating, the renewed patience I have with Amelia when she's in a state because we've gone through some intense states so far and made it through, the joy I feel when she's happy and I can fully immerse myself in being in the moment - all fruits of some very challenging, very adult and very worthwhile labour.

There is part of me that wants to say good riddance to 2011 and all the jagged, sharp and torn edges that it exposed.Part of me is so thankful I got the chance to see the softer, gentler side of those edges when they are filed down with effort and time.

As we wind our way into 2012 I hope to continue learning how to be a mother, friend, wife and friend with softer words and more patience. I hope that 2012 will be a little softer and gentler on us all.

Happy New Year, my devoted seven readers, and all the best for 2012 and the softness that could be.

Special song for Christmas

2011-12-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

One of those songs that really only the parents and Grandparents love - it's long, a little annoying and still so cute!

A good old-fashioned whine.

2011-12-28T21:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, anyone who is reading this blog who just lost their job, got horrible news, has had a death in the family or is going through some other awful circumstance can look at the pictures because I'm about to get my no-real-problems whine on.

Amelia starts daycare next week. My mind is splitting open and my brains are drooling out all over my shoulders because AMELIA STARTS DAYCARE NEXT WEEK. When Nanny gave her notice in November it felt like a million years from then that Amelia would be going to daycare. We have had the luxury of setting our own vacation times, work-day length and discussing the minutiae of her days in a beautiful book we call 'Nanny notes' for the last two years. Of course there has been challenging parts - if Nanny gets sick we stay home, if one of us is sick we often don't stay home (being at home in a daycare is less than relaxing) and the worth-every-penny expense.

So we found an amazing, affordable, small daycare with stellar recommendations from our friends who also send their little guy there and I'm still shitting my pants. I found out tonight that the centre is closed for five weeks over the year. FIVE WEEKS???? Am I in the wrong line of work?? When I thought it was only four it was somehow easier to swallow. Dev and I both have three weeks off - we could patch together a fourth week but that fifth week was the one that split my head apart. I've re-jigged my work schedule twice (thank god for my supportive boss), sent special letters to the licensing agency so that the care centre could get a license exemption for Amelia (because she's under 30 months) and news of that fifth week had me not knowing if I should vomit or just roll up in a ball on the floor.

The logical part in my mind, wherever it may be, knows it will work out. We have a ton of people who can watch Amelia and who would be climbing over each other to have the privilege. Dev's able to be totally logical about it, "It's good training for when she hits elementary school" which is totally right though didn't make me want to punch him less.

I'm trying to focus on all of the great opportunities that this new situation presents - one of the biggest ones is that Amelia is so ready to be around more kids in a loving environment...which is what she'll have there. I'm trying to ask myself, what is my problem? I know some of the answers...and why is it still so hard?

It's running time

2011-12-28T16:50:00.001-08:00

I will be so excited when I can upload videos, from my phone, have them work and not have to suck at the Internet.

Merry Chrissump

2011-12-26T10:22:00.001-08:00

Christmas eve...

2011-12-24T22:42:00.001-08:00

A perfect night spent with our friends, Daniel and Sean (Amelia calls them "the boys") wine, tons of food, hanging stockings, testing out Santa's cookies, and anticipation...

More than anything, Amelia wanted Santa to put a candy cane (mine? Eat it?) in her stocking...well, sweet pea, you may get a bit more than you bargained for.

Now, Dev and I finish our wine, put together the finery and love.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Christmas elf

2011-12-24T10:19:00.000-08:00

Whipped up a wee cap this morning for my favourite elf. Thanks to my grade six teacher for showing us how to blanket stitch!!!

Whheeeere my tocking?

2011-12-23T23:06:00.001-08:00

Nanny has been reading The Night Before Christmas to Amelia all December and the Pickle has sections memorized that I didn't even know existed! Huge brain on that one.

Since she started with this beautiful tale, her interest, understandably, in all things Santa has ignited. She hopes for a candy cane in her stocking on Christmas morning...thankfully she told me ahead of time so I could run out and buy one that could hold such confections.

I brought it home today and I wasn't sure if she was going to like.it...she originally requested a BLACK stocking. She liked it so much she whipped it on her foot, took it for a spin then took it upstairs for bath time. She made me get out of our bath to retrieve it from the hall...just so she could look at it while we bathed. Let's hope for candy canes from Santa!!!

Sugarplums

2011-12-23T12:54:00.001-08:00

Sweet pea this morning...

Santa

2011-12-22T22:28:00.000-08:00

Almond crescents

2011-12-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

My grandma made almond crescents almost every year of my life. Thanks to my mom's forethought to hold on to her recipes, I had the honour of carrying on the tradition this year. I have so many memories of Gram hauling out this big, white tupperware container filled with frozen crescents. I could never wait for them to thaw, eating them straight from the container and she never discouraged me from doing so.

So. Delicious.

Makin it happen

2011-12-19T21:14:00.001-08:00

Amelia working over her tiny tree!

Christmas train!!!

2011-12-19T21:04:00.001-08:00

Another awesome trip to the Forest Discovery Centre!!

Mini trains, arts and crafts, CORRIDOR RUNNING!!!!, snacks, the big train ride and singing and dancing on stage. Awesome!!!

Reflection

2011-12-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

Loafy.

I feel loafy.

I pumped at work up until three months ago which meant that I was still "nursing" up to five times a day so I could not exercise, eat whatever the hell I wanted, essentially in unlimited quantities, and still fit into my pants. Fast-forward three months and Amelia only nurses at bedtime, first thing in the morning and that's it. And guess whaaaaat? I'd now rather just keep my coat on ah-thank-you-very-much. I'm tugging at my shirts to get them down over my muffin top, doing extreme stretching to make my jeans fit when they are fresh from the wash and generally feeling blah. Blerg.

So, now comes the hard part. The getting off my ass, making time for ME part that my splitting pant seams and wobbly arms have been trying to remind me of for a while now. Hey you! Make time for yourself! Put down the fucking smart phone. Exercise, you'll feel better!

Yoga, feels good. Going to the gym, feels good. Why is it so easy to forget?

Yesterday I had a very rare two hours to myself, at home and I thought...ok self, time to get off your ass and do a little walking. I decided I'd take a route that is too dangerous with Amelia (skinny shoulders on a busy, windy road) and go...or it was something like that easy. Locate runners, find pants that aren't too "revealing", find hoodie to cover up ass, locate sports-bra...I swear to god that fucker creaked as I took it out of the drawer. Is it possible for exercise wear to go rusty? Uggghhh...I just need to GET OUT THE DOOR.

I made it. I walked, I ran a little, I broke a sweat for the first time in months and it felt gooood. I didn't take my phone, I didn't take pictures for my blog, I just went. I was alone with my thoughts, my breath (laboured as it might have been!) and myself...very good for reflection, very good for me. Very good to be reminded that getting out the door is the hardest part - not the exercise that happens when you get there.

Just right

2011-12-16T18:44:00.001-08:00

Des colores

2011-12-14T21:25:00.001-08:00

Dev texted this photo to me on a recent business trip. It was a lifesaver. We sure made a beautiful person.

Heading home

2011-12-12T07:00:00.000-08:00

Home.

Home has always been here, on Vancouver Island, and for the most part, it seems that this is the place where people come to make a home, citing the beauty, mild climate and exorbitantly-priced homes. This makes us very lucky - people don't generally want to leave. We collect friends from all over and count our blessings.

And then, every now and again, our friends move on. We are saying goodbye to Meg, Armin and Maeva today so that they can go home. Home to their family, their friends, their town. Meg and I have spent the last two years spending as much time together as possible and Maeva and Amelia spend every day together as daycare buddies. Amelia loves Maeva in the way that only a two-year-old can. Sweetly, innocently and, because it's Amelia, enthusiastically. We have shared so much together as families...losses, gains and so much laughter. Leah, Meg and I spent our maternity leaves together and oooooooh god the time we spent together, comparing crises, sleeping habits, eating habits, behaviour issues and hilarity has meant the world to me.

I write this with a very heavy heart - knowing that even though they will always be here in spirit, I will very much miss seeing their beautiful faces every morning. I can't write too much more without becoming a horrible, sobbing mess...so I'll let the movie do the rest...enjoy. With love.

Thanks to Death Cab for Cutie and Matthew Barber for providing the score.

Still rockin it!

2011-12-11T15:37:00.001-08:00

26 months and counting. The Ergo still rocks!!!!

Picking a tree tonight

2011-12-10T19:18:00.001-08:00

Sharing Amelia's first hot chocolate!!!

Santa. Take two.

2011-12-09T21:43:00.001-08:00

Amelia had her first Christmas party in a castle last weekend. Clowns, kids, crafts, cookies and of course...SANTA!!!

Snowflakes!

2011-12-09T09:50:00.001-08:00

Happy Birthday LeeLee!

2011-12-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

Today is Leah's birthday! Leah's also known as LeeLee by Amelia before she could say LeeYAH! like she does now. Leah was my first new mommy friend and whoooooowheeee am I ever glad we met. We have shared so much as moms...adventures, tears and most importantly...so many laughs.

This picture is from one of our first outings to Stars and Strollers...ooooooooooh...a lifetime ago...literally. Leah's expecting this month and I can't wait to meet my new-new friend! Happy Birthday love!

Winter blossom

2011-12-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

Just kinda like it.

Let there be lights!!

2011-12-07T21:45:00.001-08:00

Christmas traditions

2011-12-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

Year two of holiday visit to Providence farm to see Santa, check out the cool crafts and hang out with our homies, Leah and Charlotte. The weather was fantastic and the Santa there is THE BEST. Real beard n'everything.

I'm usually quite good with the Internet...

2011-12-07T21:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, I think I've entered into some horrible technological vacuum where all of my limited expertise, knowledge and know-how has vanished.

I can't update my blog from my phone anymore - unbeknownst to me, I had been merrily emailing posts in all week from my phone, cute Amelia pics, the usual and as it turns out when I actually check the blog...nothing. Nada. Bummer dude.

We were in Vernon last weekend visiting Nana and Papa (pictures soon!) and had an awesome time. We splurged on a chalet on Silver Star and got to play in the snow! YAY! Amelia was a super traveller and she loved going on the plane which was a relief considering we had to pay full price for her seat - no one wants to get ripped off and then have a toddler scream all over your spend-a-thon. No one.

We checked in to the Westjet counter to come home on the Sunday night and the attendant couldn't find us in the system. Huh...that's weird...

Double check last name, double check destination...nope...nada. Can I check the last name again? I fumbled around with my phone and found my confirmation, YAY! There we were, confirmed to come home December 4.

This is when the needle skips off the record...screeeeech...

We were standing at the Westjet counter on Sunday, November 27th.

This is when I start sweating.

I walk back to the counter and say, well, I have us coming home on December 4! She did too...

More sweating...and joking...must start joking to avoid crying.

"I know what happened!" I explain, "I was trying to figure out which weekend would work best out of the two while I was on the phone with Dev and I booked them both [insert awkward chuckle] isn't that funny? I'm usually quite good with the Internet!"

Kosty top ten - Autumn edition - NUMBER ONE!

2011-12-05T07:00:00.000-08:00

1. My parent network!!!

Kid comes down with mystery illness. Consult parent network.

Kid acting crazy. Consult parent network.

Kid needs hand-me-downs. Consult parent network.

Kid needs day care. Consult parent network.

Kid needs to re-gift hand-me-downs. Consult parent network.

We have the most generous, kind, inclusive, considerate group of friends who are also parents. They help us find day care, help me with my crazy parenting questions and help us keep clothes out of the landfill and money in our pockets.

I love them. They keep us sane, they make us happy and they are awesome.

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number two

2011-12-04T07:00:00.000-08:00

2. The Public Library! I have always been a huge supporter of public libraries. Where else can you shop for CDs, DVDs, books and other goodies, come up to the counter with armloads of stuff and not pay a dime? I love the library even more now that Amelia is in our lives. She loves books and the library just as much as her mama. We even registered for a BC One Card on our latest trip to see Nana and Papa. YAY LIBRARIES!!!

Get your bake on

2011-12-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love a outdated music reference with their blog?

I was overcome by the urge to bake this week. Leah convinced me to splurge on Martha's cookie cookbook last year. Oooooh. Such a good idea. Every recipe I've tried has been amazing.

Healthier Oatmeal Cookies. Deliciouser too.

Kosty Top Ten -Autumn edition -Number TEN

2011-12-02T18:00:00.000-08:00

Hydrasense! AGAIN! This stuff is amazing and got us through our latest rounds of Kostycolds. Yes, this top ten is out of control and out of order. Seems to be a theme for me right now!

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number three

2011-11-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

3. Expressions of gratitude - If I am having a particularly challenging day, I try to think about who I can thank. In my mind I'll thank the stranger again for picking up my keys after I dropped them with armloads full of babies and groceries or the person at work who made my day a little easier. It's a good exercise especially when I'm feeling under-appreciated - being thankful kicks pouting in its ass.

The Botanical Bebe booth at the Vancouver Island Baby Fair was placed kitty corner to the Mothering Touch booth this last September. I've talked about my gratitude to Eva at Mothering touch here, here and here but the piece that I hadn't ever made the time to do was to express that gratitude to her. Eva saved my breastfeeding relationship with Amelia. A relationship that is so precious, so innate and when things are hard, so vulnerable. She taught me to believe in myself, to watch my child, not the clock and to release the rules - just the right amount.

When we were tearing down the booth I got up the courage to walk over to her and tell her. I needed courage because I wasn't sure how I could possibly express in words how I was feeling. How do you thank someone for changing your life? Well, I just started with thanking her for teaching me baby-led latching and told her that she saved my breastfeeding relationship with Amelia. I said that without her help I wouldn't have been nursing Amelia at almost two years old and counting and her help made a huge difference in my life. Of course I didn't get through it without getting teary-eyed... She smiled, told me how glad she was to hear my story and thanked me for sharing it with her.

In as much as I'm sure it made her feel good to hear that she helped me and Amelia, it was so great for me to me to tell her how much of a difference she made in my life - maybe a little like living those initial good feelings over again. With thanks.

The Sidney Pier - a mini review

2011-11-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

I needed a hotel for an oddly-scheduled trip last week and ended up staying at The Sidney Pier. How's that for the world's most boring intro!?!? Well, it's really nothing more interesting than that...the interesting part is the hotel itself.

Customer service when booking the room was excellent. I received a confirmation in seconds and was good to go. Ok...nothing amazing here either...until I checked in.

I had just come from a crazy busy, late day at work and was freaking exhausted. The wind pushed my car back and forth across the highway, it was pissing down rain and to top it off, I had a frigging catch on one of my fingernails that was driving me NUTS. I checked in and noticed something different in the lobby...

Cool thing No. 1 - a DVD lending library!

Up I go to my room and get hit by...

Cool thing No. 2 - a book lending library! Right there in the hallway!

Off I go down the hall and enter my room...maybe it was the colour palette, maybe it was the furniture, maybe it was exhaustion - but this room was NICE. Smelled good, immaculately maintained (I get really irritated when fancy hotels have chipped paint, scuffs and things - yep, I'm THAT person - but come on, your rack rate is $500 a night and you can't pay someone to keep things looking good??? Please.) and the lighting was serene. The washroom included locally-made non-toxic soaps and lotions that left me feeling great and shiny-haired.

By the time I settled in I was dying for a bubble bath and a tea..guess what!!!???

Cool thing Nos. 2 & 3 - a tub so big I couldn't reach the end, even laying flat out, no matter how hard I tried and Mighty Leaf tea. Thank you Sidney Pier Hotel, for thinking of me at the end of my long day.

The bed was comfy, the linens didn't smell like industrial soap or perfumed commercial stuff...they smelled like nothing at all

And that nail-catch?

Cool thing No. 4 took care of that - nail files in the in-room amenities kit. It's the little things sometimes that just make the experience just right. One of the nicest hotel experiences I can remember. Thank you Sidney Pier!

Baby Beluga - Beatnik style

2011-11-24T07:00:00.000-08:00

We rock the nighttime bathing suit. Oh yes. OH BABY BEL UUU GA!

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number four

2011-11-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

4. Love - Not just the kind we give to our "loved ones" but the kind we give to strangers when we hold the door open, the kind we give to friends when we show up with a latte for them during a challenging week, the kind that makes us say, 'good morning' to the first people we see in the morning, the kind that makes strangers smile at Amelia just because they were overcome with the desire to do so. The kind I hope I share as much as I intend to.

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number five

2011-11-23T07:00:00.000-08:00

5. The Beacon Hill Children's Farm - I grew up knowing this place as The Petting Zoo, but I guess things have changed (even if they haven't really). It's still as awesome as ever. We totally SCORED and took a trip downtown on what happened to be their last weekend for the season. Amelia LOVED it - even more than her first trip in the spring. Added bonus - getting to see those kids all grown up! (ha)

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number six

2011-11-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

6. The BC Forest Discovery Centre - One of the many awesome parts about Amelia growing up is that she likes to go out and do fun things - mostly without falling over! We headed out with the girls and Ryan and took a train ride around the countryside, a stop at a playground for a picnic and some good times with the mega machines. If you live in the area, check it out, it's awesome.

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number seven

2011-11-21T07:00:00.000-08:00

7. Cars and Trucks and Things That Go - My friend Alison gave me this book before Amelia was born and it seemed like an eternity until we were able to look at it without Amelia wanting to eat the pages. Now she looooooves to look at all of the cars and trucks and things that go. Officer Flossy (Osser Flaw-cy) is her favourite.

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number eight

2011-11-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

8. Magnadoodle - Amelia and Charlotte got a hold of an original Magnadoodle when we were in Ucluelet this summer and we had to get one for home. Amelia and Dev have nightly sessions drawing goats when she firmly instructs him to not draw the ones with floppy ears, "No puppy ears Daddy!".

Kosty Top Ten - Autumn edition - Number nine

2011-11-18T07:08:00.000-08:00

9. Crayon Rocks - picked up these little beauties by Clementine Art up at the Baby Fair. They are so awesome!!! Perfectly shaped for little hands, vibrant colours and the best part? Pouring them out of the box, putting them all back in again, pouring out again, putting back again...you get the idea...

Good morning sunshine

2011-11-17T08:54:00.001-08:00

GODZILLA!

2011-11-15T21:23:00.001-08:00

Amelia had a brutal time getting to sleep tonight...tossing, turning, nursing, hugging mama, kissing mama, burrowing into mama's armpit, wanting to be "ON TOP" of mama...then she settled down for a moment, and in the din of the light from her monitor I see her face looking at my face and all she says to me is, "eyebrows" but not in a normal way, she says it like a character in a Japanese sci-fi fantasy movie, sounding more like, "EYE - BRROOWWWWWHHHHHSSSSS"

Oh my god, I nearly pissed myself laughing...then she starts laughing and before long we are both busting a gut, neither of us resting or sleeping as was originally intended. Sometimes, on nights like tonight she helps me to lose track of time and just be with her in her randomness. I am so thankful for her.

She's got the whole world...

2011-11-13T16:34:00.001-08:00

We were watching Raffi the other day (he's a rock star in our house) and Amelia started to frantically search for the "big ball". She wanted to have the whole world in her hands while he sung about it. Awesome.

Crisp and beautiful

2011-11-12T10:43:00.001-08:00

We are having the calmest, driest fall I can remember. Many trees still have a full compliment of yellow, orange and red leaves and I am in heaven!

Autumn 2011

2011-11-10T21:51:00.000-08:00

Two trips to the BC Forest Discovery Centre
One Hallowe'en
Two girls turning two
One sailing trip
One trip to the pumpkin patch
Many days of love makes for one beautiful autumn. Enjoy!

Photos by me, Dev, Leah and Nanny. Music is Whole Love by Wilco

Under the weather. Again.

2011-11-09T12:11:00.001-08:00

Still cute!!

Tube time

2011-11-06T21:00:00.001-08:00

Amelia and Charlotte. In the tube. Loving life!

Autumn beauty

2011-11-02T21:34:00.001-07:00

This little piggy...

2011-11-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

Get the hankies...

2011-11-01T21:04:00.000-07:00

I was catching up on my blogroll, waiting for videos to upload to Vimeo so I can share them with you guys and I read this post. Then I needed hankies. You're welcome.

Photography for the sake of it

2011-11-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Some sights from a recent visit to the BC Forest Discovery Centre

Balloons are the best!

2011-11-01T16:42:00.001-07:00

Leah took these pictures at the Amelia/Charlotte birthday celebrations - So. Awesome.

Hallowe'enies!

2011-10-31T22:25:00.001-07:00

I love you guys!!!

2011-10-30T12:37:00.001-07:00

So...the other night I hurried down to the basement to re-wash a forgotten load of laundry that had been silently shaming me from the night before. I thought it would be best to make a departure from my normal cold-washes-only philosophy and throw in some warm water for maximum de-funkification.
Fast forward a couple of hours and as I'm running Amelia's bath I realize there's no hot water...Damn hot water tank finally went...or so I thought. Dev dashes downstairs and Amelia and I go about our evening, sans suds.
About an hour later, Amelia is sleeping peacefully and I make it downstairs as Dev's coming up from the basement. Turns out the fill-switch on the washing machine failed and it had been drooling out hot water all evening, all over the basement floor.
The silver lining to being a messy, too-busy family who is continually behind on laundry? The piles of to-dos absorbs the deluge, saving the rest of your basement from ruin.
Meet our new twins. The Samsungs.

Just woke up...

2011-10-29T22:43:00.001-07:00

We have a winner folks!

2011-10-28T22:08:00.001-07:00

Amelia pooped on the potty this week. My pre-child self is screaming from the depths of my long-forgotten life, "SERIOUSLY??? YOU'RE BLOGGING ABOUT THIS???"

Oh, believe it.

Nanny even made her an award!!!

Big girl chair!

2011-10-27T09:21:00.003-07:00

Very important to wear Hallowe'en costume when commencing inaugural forward-facing journey!

Who's two?

2011-10-27T09:21:00.001-07:00

Miss Amelia!

She is all the way two too. Epic meltdowns, stomping feet and protests and for the first time since I went back to work, she clings onto me in the morning asking me to No Mama Drive! Heartwrenching.

Woven into the givens of toddlerhood is this interesting, creative little person who has a wild sense of humour, huge vocabulary and sensitive heart.

If she already has enough of something and I ask if she wants more, she will reply, Got Some! Usually while waving what she's got at me. She kisses my bumps and bruises better and sometimes will permit me to lay a few Tisses on her too otherwise it's No Tisses Mama!!!

The pretend play slays me. She offers full coffee service from the electrical outlet in our kitchen. Refills are on the house. She wanders around the house with her baby doll, Vancouver(she named it Vancouver. Vanncoooouverrr...that's fun to say), asking Whooooos Thiiiiisss? While patting baby's head. When we ask her who it is she yells, Milo Kitty!! Then runs away laughing. Added hilarity because her Ks are mostly Ts so she actually yells Milo Titty!!!

She can count to six, skips seven, and is really stoked on eight. She sings Baby Beluga and asks me to With Mama Join Raffi in the living room. She asks to be picked up by saying Pick Uppa You. I try to always answer, of course I'll pick uppa you sweetheart. You're two and I couldn't love you more.

Chilling in the sink.

2011-10-26T18:57:00.001-07:00

After a hard days' play.